Sunday, 22 April 2012

Twitters PMT stories

Women really ARE mental.



Last night on Twitter, I was having a conversation with @carlroney... He had argued with his wife, and wondered if all women were actually mental .... or just his wife.

This got me thinking about mildly mental things that I and other girls I know have done whilst having PMT ... hormones are a dangerous thing ... 

I asked my followers for any PMT stories that they had... or any from poor suffering men ....


This is what I received.....




@dafydd13 " I once had a box of hot vegetable chow mein thrown at me because it didn't have any beef in it. My fault apparently."




@the_holy_log " Hehehe. My friend was annoyed at her husband watching the football so she put a brick through the telly, she was also naked"


@roguebunny ." my ex once threw a chip pan through a fucking window at me. Fucking menstrual cunt"

@canoeblue " I had a sky remote hoyed at my head because the wrong genre of music was on. The other side of PMT."


@ladyg117 " Reet. OH was playing my piano fucking badly.. Would not shut the fuck up.. So I turned off the electric and cut the plug off."


@mrsbodge " threw the iron at hubby when he asked me to iron a shirt as he'd been pub, iron was hot managed to embed it in the wall!!"


@louisee182 " I once threw my trousers at my mum and started crying because she didn't tuck the pockets back in after washing them"


@mrsbodge " took his dinner and cutlery into the pub as he was late the whole pub went silent not 1 person spoke threw it all at him & left"


@diaryofaledger " girlfriend and I had row before cinema. She turned up at cinema and demanded, in front of audience, that I drove her home."


@tummycustard " My ex yelled at me out of nowhere accusing me of being racist. "You don't like my friend because he's black!" I'd never met him."


@greatauntiejojo " kicked shopping across car park then went inside and had tantrum that ended with hitting myself over the head with a baking tray"



@arcpad " floods of tears in the street last week, no reason at all (apart from PMT and heavy shopping)"


@steve_hobson " I left a used tea bag on the drainer early one morning, mrs nearly left me"


@RUSSTIKI " my wife once threw a biscuit tin at my head & when I asked her why she did it , she said "I didn't!""


@ladykirsty1982 " not PMT but i had HAD to throw dylans toast on the floor and put blob of flora light in his tea cas he pissed me off"


@gemster_ " well I got on a last minute flight to Toronto after a seriously bad pmt spell. As I landed I knew I had fucked up."



@fluffetyfluff  " my friend once threw her husband out for a week because he didn't rinse the bottom of the washing up bowl after doing the pots"


@justhelens  " Repeatedly slamming a glass paned door whilst screaming that I was going to stab my sister to death, and all the glass fell out."


@_snizzles_ " my mum on separate occasions threw my brother and a saucepan of boiling water at my dad!"


@gracie_k83 " my ex once complained that I'd not ironed his clean clothes. So I laid them all out in the front garden in the rain."


@bigblunderboy " obviously not PMT but i once taught a lesson to a frying pan of mince that was sticking by smashing it against the kitchen wall."


@kinglumpy " my mates girlfriend burned all his clothes and gave them back to him in a sandwich bag!"


@phatnova " my mum smashed a bottle of aramis over my head cos I refused to go to school , smelt like a nonce for weeks ... I was fourteen"


@toliveistoHAI " A mates girlfriend went nuts and smashed up the inside of his Volvo with a high heeled shoe. Who knew Volvos were so flimsy?"


@trey78uk " My mum frisbee'd the only record I owned at my head because I wouldn't go to bed. Dancing In The Street, Jagger and Bowie."


@its_spanner " yesterday night I heard "puff the magic dragon" on the radio, it made me well up. PMT at its worse."


@kinglumpy " my wife threw a full length mirror at me from the top of the stairs I was sitting at the bottom. Would have fckin decapitated me"


@jack744 " An ex threw a radio alarm at me because I didn't put it back an hour when the clocks changed. Could've been GMT though."


@death-stairs " ha! Once my GF cracked an authentic African musical shaker instrument over my head because I didn't want to watch Holby City"


@mandronicus " My ex took kitchen scissors to her hair in floods of tears, chopping major chunks out, shrieking she hated f'ing Nicky Clarke."


@drjatn " Friend went home with a perm, hub said "Hi Deidre". Cos of PMT she went back and had head shaved. "Hi Ken" said hub on return." 




Certified proof that women are completely BATSHIT.







Thursday, 26 January 2012

National Fucking Tyres.

Just a teeny rant today... Well not really a rant... A warning.. Quite long actually... Try not to nod off..

Yesterday I decided to check my tyres... Even to the untrained eye of a woman I could see they were illegal about 3 months ago... I quickly rang a few places... National tyres on Bull green coming up cheapest...

I kicked the crisp packets and school letters.. A colouring book , a dolls head.. Half a unicorn and a shoe under the seat.. Sprayed febreeze in wild abandon and slid down the road to town...

A kind man took my keys.. Told me it would be an hour and sent me off in to town...

1 hour and 15 pointless waiting around purchases later I returned...

Him..."Right madam... I've done your tyres ... But..."

Me.. *heart stops beating*..."but??"

Him..*sharp intake of breath through teeth*

me..."but whatt????"

Him... "well .. Your back brakes are binding, and are heavily corroded.. And well it's a big job love.."

At this point, he may aswel have said the entire sentance in Russian.. I give him a gormless vacant look and mumble "how much?"

Him.. "talking bout 380 love... And sooner rather than later really if your taking kids in the car" *waggles dirty finger under Ellies nose*

me.... *falls to floor... Lies still a minute...*..."three... Hundred... And eighty pounds???"

Him.. *fake sad face*..."yeah love... Soz"

Me.."right erm yeah erm.. I'll have to go sell a kidney.. I'll get back to you"

*flees garage clutching chest*

I arrived home and decided to ring the nice lad at Seaman and Davidson .. Who had done my MOT a few months ago.... He told me to take it to him today.

I arrived at 9am and he took my car, he said give us an hour , I'll have a look how bad it is ..

An hour later I returned.. Feeling a bit sick... Maybe with worry.. Or maybe because of the sausage and egg Mc muffin I'd accidently eaten whilst waiting ...

Me..."so???"

Him..*no sharp intake of breath*
"well .. It was sticking a bit.. So was a bit rusty .. I've taken it off cleaned it up.. Greased it, put it back on.. Loads of life left in it... Just give us a tenner love"

Me.. *pounces on man.. Licks his face...*


Sooo.. Be warned... Do not EVER use National Tyres.

I'm going back down there this aft to call him a wanker and punch him in the cock.

The end.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

A fucking minibus!!!

I watched BBC news last night ... (this doesn't happen often) it disgusted me enough to write about it though...


An estate in Bradford now has a mini bus to drive round to individual houses in a morning to pick the kids up for school....
Simply because the lazy ... Non working... Dressing gown wearing... Boggle eyed, fucktarded parents cannot be arsed to do the School run ....

What the actual fuck? ...


How about fining them?...
Or taking away their 87 inch plasmas so they can't watch Jezza?...
Or take a tenner off their dole for every day little McKenzie misses at school because his fat arsed mother was still in bed...
Or worse still take away their weed and staffy dog ...


All these would force the lazy twats outside..

It showed the children being picked up from various shit ridden houses... All the doors answered by overweight, grubby dressing gown, fag smoking trolls...


An actual quote from one of the pyjama clad yodas ...

"I as 5 kids init... It's propa ard getting em all up an stuff.. Vey as bout free days a week off skool"

I'll tell you what sweetcheeks.... Try GETTING UP A BIT FUCKING EARLIER!!..

these scummy inbreds should be punished... Not fucking rewarded with a free bus service, so that they don't even have to get dressed!!

This is EXACTLY what is wrong with this country..

If you can't do the basic duties as a parent...

Stop popping bloody kids out...



THE END.


#TwinksforPM

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Perfect Christmas...


Reading all the statuses and posts and blogs about the 'perfect' xmas eves.. Happy faced excited children, snuggled up watching films...
Jolly parents relaxing with a glass of wine ..cracking walnuts and laughing at only fools and horses....

Personally, I think people make this shit up... If you have more than one child... It is not humanly possible...

Come 6pm on xmas eve, I can't wait to get the hyperactive little shits in bed..
By this time, they have whinged, argued, fought and done the wall of death round the room for 2 hours after eating an entire selection box and 4 chocolate Santas ...
The tree has been over twice... (the lights now dont switch on) ... There will be at least four arguments about what to leave out for Santa.. He'll end up woth a bottle of cider and a bag of Walkers...
When I eventually do get them to bed, I'll shout "GO TO BLOODY SLEEP" till about 11pm, whilst trying to wrap the last 94 presents, holding a vodka...
And ocasionally jabbing my finger in the turkey to see if there is any chance of the fucker defrosting before late January.
The kids will eventually fall asleep around midnight.. By this point I'll be pissed and not give a toss...
I'll forget to remove Santas food.. And fall in to bed at 2am... Only for a 5yr old to lift my eyelids at 4am screeching "HAS HE BEEEEN .. HAS HEEE???"...

I'll then spend 3 hours buried under wrapping paper, clutching a coffee and 3 paracetamols.. Whilst various kids thrust toys in my face, that need a degree in engineering to remove from The box....

The turkey will still be frozen solid.


Sooo all in all a 'perfect fucking Christmas'

Merry Xmas you lot xxx ;-)

Monday, 3 October 2011

School

School.


I have 4 children .... yes 4 ... and yes we had a TV ... i'm just a bit easy before you make the joke.


School wind the absolute tits off me ... 


From snooty faced PTA members who have nothing better to do in their life apart from knit yogurt and promote organic lunches .... to the we need £3 for this ... £2 for that... school dinners have gone up ... infact why don't you just direct your entire wage to us ... make is simpler... 


Then there are the kids themselves ... most of them with names only the unemployed can spell.... and the horrendous gaggle of school run mums .... normally in two groups .... the fake Ugg boots and back tits group .... and the stillettos and far too much makeup for the school run group...


I stand in neither ... I'd rather spend 20 minutes with Jedward than make a conversation about educational after school activities..... and which dancing school little Chyna Mercedes is going to this weekend.


Anyway, now you understand how much this place pisses me off .... here is a letter i wrote and sent to school after finding out one of my twins had beeen excluded from PE.


Dear sir/madam
On learning that Megan has been excluded from PE since xmas, I was shocked and upset and wondered if she had developed some rare PE related asthma that I wasn't aware of ..

 Or maybe developed a life threatening allergy to bean bags and skipping ropes, that I would immediately have to run out and buy an epi-pen for.. 
As you can imagine I was extremely shocked to find this was not the case and it was much worse than I had expected......
She has the wrong coloured tshirt!! ......
I would like to apologise sincerely for this and can fully understand how doing PE in a blue tshirt, instead of a green one, will have greatly hindered Megans ability to swing on the monkey bars. 



However.... 


I shall not be purchasing Megan another one, due to the fact your school likes to suck every penny out of parents and only sells the tshirt as part of a whole PE kit at a cost of £17.. 


Please do not inform me Megan does not have correct shorts or I may combust.
I have tried to send her with a better tshirt today that is more fitting with school policy, unfortunately the only one i could find is a Hello Kitty one with a bit of jam on the sleeve...



sorry about this.


Regards Rachel Keys





Morrisons.

It seems fitting that the first rant I post is about one of the places that pisses me off to the point of self harming.

Morrisons.

I'm not sure if this place is the same nationwide .... But here in Halifax it is like a cross between a massive shit Lidl and the Job Centre ... 

On Fridays (giro day)... it is filled with groups of muffin topped, flip flop wearing women who look like they have brushed their hair with a tofffee apple.... They are fighting over knocked down chips and there is always a faint whiff of piss and lard in the air.

Anyway yesterday I decided to call in to my local friendly store and purchase some petrol and cigarettes .... this didn't go to plan ... 

I have written this email to Morrisons to voice my disgust.


Dear who ever it may concern.

I have shopped at your Halifax branch of Morrisons for over 20 years.
Other than large swarms of the great unwashed on giro day, I've never really had a problem with it.

Until now.

Recently several staff were apparently sacked for not ID'ing underage smokers. Good I say, yes sack them.
This however, seems to have turned the rest of the staff in to raging maniacs.

So yes I am aware people need to be asked for ID if they look under 25, but also basic common sense surely needs to be applied somewhere... Doesn't it?

For example...
I am 34 years old.
I pull up at the petrol station, I put £60 of petrol in my car .. I then enter the kiosk carrying a screeching child under 1 arm.
I pick up bread, milk a womans own and head to the till.
I am wearing yesterdays makeup, I have hair mildly resembling Kenn Dodd on a windy day and i'm wearing a jumper with crayon on one arm and a bit of child snot on the other.

I say "number 4 please, this milk and 20 Lambert and Butler"

Sandra behind the glass ..(I am now fully aware as to why they keep her behind glass) ... Says gruffly.."ID" ..

Me wondering if i'd heard her right, was she coughing? Did she say i need a pee? ... Nope .. Her face is as straight as the bottom of my IKEA frying pan.

"ID"... She barks again.

Now personally i think Sandra needs the love of a good man.. Or maybe a shot of gin... Perhaps she'd had a bad day.. I'm not sure.

Me, fairly shocked at a demand for ID that i didnt have to show EIGHTEEN years ago says .."erm sorry but i'm 34!"

At some point you'd think sandras common sense would have kicked in... Do 17 year olds have tits like socks on a washing line?... A toddler? A car? Read womans own? ( only for the recipes honest) .. Have bags under their eyes the same size as Sandra's?

No they don't.

Sandra barked that she ID'd EVERYONE..
Really Sandra? Everyone? Even Mavis who comes in with a zimmer and cataracts?... No i don't think you do, do you?

At this point I left, only paying for my petrol (I'm not a chav)

My point here is, Morrisons is now losing my £6.50 a day ... I may also boycot bread and milk yet, I haven't decided.
But let me tell you thats alot of money a month.

A small training course on common sense might help Sandras attitude.
Do you do common sense when demanding ID courses?

If not, then you should.

To be honest though I probably wouldnt involve Sandra.

She could be deployed to the fish counter. She'd fit in well there.

Regards
Rachel Keys.





I searched for Morrisons customer services Email address .... of course they don't have one ... 

so using the power of Google and Twitter, I have sent it straight to the top.. 

I shall post the reply .... If i get one..... 

I'm not holding my breath.

Hello

Hi, I'm Twinks ... ..

Obviously that isn't the name my mum gave me ... as she isn't a 17 year old council estate chav... but Twinks will do for now.

I'm here to post my rants and daily pissed off with the general publicness ... and also to post anything else I cant fit in to 140 characters on Twitter.

I have often been told i should write my rants down ... I probably have anger management issues, I dunno ... but I've found as I've got older that most things in life piss me off ... mainly involving people.
I don't really like people ... on the whole I find  they are a bunch of cock wombles ...

Read if you want ... or don't bother ... i shan't sob in to my pillow over it. 

all negative comments will be read and filed under 'I don't really give a toss'

happy reading 

love Twinks x