So.. Yesterday I arrived home to find a letter from Housing benefit office. They were suspending my claim as I still hadn't provided them with October's wage slip. Silly me... I'm fairly sure I've taken it not once... But TWICE (because they lost the first one)
Anyway I'm not one to argue.. I'll take it again.
So this morning I walk to the housing benefit office, armed with all my wage slips since 1967.. It's moved.
I walk a further 5 miles to the new office, which is now some large cattle market of worn down Ugg boots and Fred Perry jumpers.
It stinks. It stinks of actual shit.
I wait in line for what feels like 4 days, I'm feeling a bit dizzy now.. mostly due to the fumes from the obese woman in front of me which were a mixture of lard and tramps arsehole.
I eventually reach the front where I'm handed a ticket and moved along to a small holding area where I'm wedged between little Princess Lambrini and her Mum who appears to have forgotten she owns a child and is 'propa fuckin sick ov level 79 on candy crush'
A further 4 days passes.. Lambrini has attempted to empty my handbag 3 times and is now standing on my foot.
My name is finally called.. I go to a booth... Similar to those in maximum security prisons where you have to speak through a phone.
There is no phone.. Just Brenda behind a 3ft piece of bullet proof glass.. As I found out, there was a very valid reason for this.
I sit down and pull 836 pieces of paper from my bag..
Me.. Hi, you've asked for my October wage slip. Now I'm not being funny but I've already brought it twice... Anyway here, have it again.
Brenda.. *scans wage slip.. Tilts head slightly.. Adopts mildly smug looking face*
I'm not entirely sure at this point whether she was having a mild stroke or trying to hold a shit in.
Brenda.. This clearly says 30/09/13 .. The 9th month is September
Me.. No, Brenda it says PROCESSED on 30/09/13 ... PAID on 10/10/13 .. Making that OCTOBER.
Brenda .. *face slips a bit* oh, so it does... Well yes.. In that case we've already seen this .. Your claim will carry on as normal.
Me.. You're lucky you're behind glass Bren ... SO lucky..