Monday, 24 December 2012

That's it!

So... It started In about September..

That's right... Fucking CHRISTMAS

Along the aisles in Spazda one side deckchairs and picnic sets.. The other side advent calendars and fucking matchmakers .. Then comes the adverts on TV and the shouts of I want that! And that! And that! Ooo look mummy an advert for Flash.. You can have that.
Then there are the 'big store' adverts.. Usually some middle class bollocks about a Christmas jumper wearing family singing carols as the snow falls gently all around.... No sign of three kids smashing each others faces in with a Wii remote whilst the dad is pissed on Stella and the mum sits crying in the kitchen.

Then the shopping starts... Usually out of bill money because as usual you never quite got round to saving up that 3K needed to keep every ungrateful twat happy... You head off to a shopping centre with a list that is 8 sides of A4 .. You barge your way through fat aisle hoggers and feral toddlers ... 'Accidently' elbowing 5 old people and a guide dog in the face... Red hot and dying for a piss you head back to the car.. Where is the car? You forgot to make a note of which carpark... You sit down and have a little cry.

Then the wrapping starts... Usually late at night when you're half pissed.. 3 kids get up for 'a drink' .. Forcing you to hurridly attempt to hide a baby Annabell and a bike under the dog.

As I type this it's time to play Santa... I've done it again... Made it to Christmas Eve! Nobody died.. Nobody starved.. Everybody has got what they wanted..
As much as I moan.. This bit is the best..

Merry Christmas everyone... Hang in there.. We can start all this again in 9 more paydays ;-)

Love Twinks x

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Holiday fuckery and hobnobs.

So.. That's it.. It's over... Another six weeks of bickering, fighting and claiming 'I'm bored' whilst surrounded by more electrical gadgets than Currys.

It wasn't too bad this year really.. I only contemplated suicide twice, which is three less times than last year.
We also had four sunny days.. This made a nice change from hearing "oh my godd I wanna play out" to "mumm it's tooo hot I wanna stay in"
It's always nice to vary the whinging.

My food shopping bill tripled, this could possibly be down to my kids dragging any feral skin headed toddler off the estate in for ice lollies, crisps and drinks, 27 times a day.. Once the other kids get wind of this, there is a never ending line of hungry looking faces at your door.. "ere Levi, that woman at 89 has Fab lollies, your mam only has them iceland ice pops.. Fuck that, let's get round there"
Or something along those lines.

I have also spent the cost of a small family car on school uniforms and new pencils and bags and shoes and pumps and haircuts and lunch boxes.. But it's all worth it because in nine hours from now, small child will start full time school ... For the first time in as long as I can remember, I will be alone... Completely alone .. ALL DAY..
It's kind of life changing.. What will I do?
Maybe I'll become really domesticated and clean 5 years of dirt from my house... Maybe I'll sort out the garden and keep my car lovely and clean.. I could even go to the gym and get in training for Rio..
In reality though, I'll probably eat an entire pack of chocolate hobnobs whilst watching cash in the attic and enjoy the very much deserved SILENCE.

Unless I get pregnant again....


Sunday, 10 June 2012

Washing bastard machines.

Some things in life are just sent along to try me.
By try me.. I mean beat me around the head until I'm a jibbering wreck ..
Of course this didn't happen, as I'm a rock hard Northern bird.

But trust me.. I'm coming close.

On May the 2nd (that's quite a long time ago now) .. My 7 month old washer died.. Just stopped working.. Full of shitty water and clothes, at a really inconvenient moment...
87 towels later I had scooped all the water out.. And rang the company to report it broken.

"no problem" said a polite lady on the phone... "we'll just swap it for a new one"

On the 8th of May (I've now been without a washer for 4 days) .. Two of the most miserable faced bastards ever to walk this earth turned up to collect the broken washer.

They moodily hurled it on to the back of a van and sped off in to the distance..

No replacement washer was brought.

I ring back to speak to the nice lady.. She has gone.. And has been replaced by Indian Dave..

Indian Dave hasn't a fucking clue what day it is.. Let alone what day my washer is arriving.. I hang up.

And wait.

And wait.



A full 24 days.. And 842 phone calls later .. A washer arrives!!

You can imagine my excitement as the miserable faced delivery man dumps it in the middle of my kitchen.. Has a shit in my downstairs toilet.. And hops back in is van.

I grab a knife and start ripping open the packaging.. Deciding what to wash first.. Overjoyed that I no longer have to drag bin bags of knickers and skiddy boxers down my garden to my neighbours anymore.

My excitement is short lived... As I discover that some boggle eyed arseclamp in the warehouse has dropped it .. Smashing the door to an attractive 90 degree angle.

I lie on the floor and sob.

It's a Friday..

A Friday afternoon.. Late afternoon.. Not any Friday.. JUBILEE BASTARD WEEKEND FRIDAY...

Indian Dave and his mates have long since abandoned the call centre phones.. And are probably pissed, face down in a coronation chicken sandwich.

At this point.. Softer people would cry.. Or kick the broken washer.. Have a bit of a tantrum.

I'm hard.

I rang my mum.

She took me to Comet and bought me a whole new washer.. (she was possibly concerned about my mental state.. As I'd been eyeing up knives and talking in an unusually high voice for the past hour)

Comet were FANTASTIC... The new washer was delivered and fully installed within 16 hours .. All singing all dancing 9kg drum washer WITH A 14 MINUTE QUICK WASH!

I was in love..

Down came curtains.. Duvets.. Coats.. EVERYTHING...

Anything not fastened down was washed to within an inch of its life.

It is now 6 days after that amazing day.

I've just worked a 14 hour shift on an acute stroke unit.. Whilst nursing day 2 of the worst hangover known to man.

I got home at 21.30 ... I set off at 06.00 am.. It's a long day is that.

So obviously I should wash my uniform..

I pop it in.. Bit of Daz.. Swish of Lenor.. Turn the fancy knob.. Select amazing wash cycle...

Press start...

And BANG...

Entire electric in the house trips off... The washer plug is welded to the socket...

I'm now sat in the cupboard under the stairs in the dark .. Rocking and sobbing...

It'll be fine though.... Right?... Because I'm hard...

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Twitters PMT stories

Women really ARE mental.

Last night on Twitter, I was having a conversation with @carlroney... He had argued with his wife, and wondered if all women were actually mental .... or just his wife.

This got me thinking about mildly mental things that I and other girls I know have done whilst having PMT ... hormones are a dangerous thing ... 

I asked my followers for any PMT stories that they had... or any from poor suffering men ....

This is what I received.....

@dafydd13 " I once had a box of hot vegetable chow mein thrown at me because it didn't have any beef in it. My fault apparently."

@the_holy_log " Hehehe. My friend was annoyed at her husband watching the football so she put a brick through the telly, she was also naked"

@roguebunny ." my ex once threw a chip pan through a fucking window at me. Fucking menstrual cunt"

@canoeblue " I had a sky remote hoyed at my head because the wrong genre of music was on. The other side of PMT."

@ladyg117 " Reet. OH was playing my piano fucking badly.. Would not shut the fuck up.. So I turned off the electric and cut the plug off."

@mrsbodge " threw the iron at hubby when he asked me to iron a shirt as he'd been pub, iron was hot managed to embed it in the wall!!"

@louisee182 " I once threw my trousers at my mum and started crying because she didn't tuck the pockets back in after washing them"

@mrsbodge " took his dinner and cutlery into the pub as he was late the whole pub went silent not 1 person spoke threw it all at him & left"

@diaryofaledger " girlfriend and I had row before cinema. She turned up at cinema and demanded, in front of audience, that I drove her home."

@tummycustard " My ex yelled at me out of nowhere accusing me of being racist. "You don't like my friend because he's black!" I'd never met him."

@greatauntiejojo " kicked shopping across car park then went inside and had tantrum that ended with hitting myself over the head with a baking tray"

@arcpad " floods of tears in the street last week, no reason at all (apart from PMT and heavy shopping)"

@steve_hobson " I left a used tea bag on the drainer early one morning, mrs nearly left me"

@RUSSTIKI " my wife once threw a biscuit tin at my head & when I asked her why she did it , she said "I didn't!""

@ladykirsty1982 " not PMT but i had HAD to throw dylans toast on the floor and put blob of flora light in his tea cas he pissed me off"

@gemster_ " well I got on a last minute flight to Toronto after a seriously bad pmt spell. As I landed I knew I had fucked up."

@fluffetyfluff  " my friend once threw her husband out for a week because he didn't rinse the bottom of the washing up bowl after doing the pots"

@justhelens  " Repeatedly slamming a glass paned door whilst screaming that I was going to stab my sister to death, and all the glass fell out."

@_snizzles_ " my mum on separate occasions threw my brother and a saucepan of boiling water at my dad!"

@gracie_k83 " my ex once complained that I'd not ironed his clean clothes. So I laid them all out in the front garden in the rain."

@bigblunderboy " obviously not PMT but i once taught a lesson to a frying pan of mince that was sticking by smashing it against the kitchen wall."

@kinglumpy " my mates girlfriend burned all his clothes and gave them back to him in a sandwich bag!"

@phatnova " my mum smashed a bottle of aramis over my head cos I refused to go to school , smelt like a nonce for weeks ... I was fourteen"

@toliveistoHAI " A mates girlfriend went nuts and smashed up the inside of his Volvo with a high heeled shoe. Who knew Volvos were so flimsy?"

@trey78uk " My mum frisbee'd the only record I owned at my head because I wouldn't go to bed. Dancing In The Street, Jagger and Bowie."

@its_spanner " yesterday night I heard "puff the magic dragon" on the radio, it made me well up. PMT at its worse."

@kinglumpy " my wife threw a full length mirror at me from the top of the stairs I was sitting at the bottom. Would have fckin decapitated me"

@jack744 " An ex threw a radio alarm at me because I didn't put it back an hour when the clocks changed. Could've been GMT though."

@death-stairs " ha! Once my GF cracked an authentic African musical shaker instrument over my head because I didn't want to watch Holby City"

@mandronicus " My ex took kitchen scissors to her hair in floods of tears, chopping major chunks out, shrieking she hated f'ing Nicky Clarke."

@drjatn " Friend went home with a perm, hub said "Hi Deidre". Cos of PMT she went back and had head shaved. "Hi Ken" said hub on return." 

Certified proof that women are completely BATSHIT.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

National Fucking Tyres.

Just a teeny rant today... Well not really a rant... A warning.. Quite long actually... Try not to nod off..

Yesterday I decided to check my tyres... Even to the untrained eye of a woman I could see they were illegal about 3 months ago... I quickly rang a few places... National tyres on Bull green coming up cheapest...

I kicked the crisp packets and school letters.. A colouring book , a dolls head.. Half a unicorn and a shoe under the seat.. Sprayed febreeze in wild abandon and slid down the road to town...

A kind man took my keys.. Told me it would be an hour and sent me off in to town...

1 hour and 15 pointless waiting around purchases later I returned...

Him..."Right madam... I've done your tyres ... But..."

Me.. *heart stops beating*..."but??"

Him..*sharp intake of breath through teeth*

me..."but whatt????"

Him... "well .. Your back brakes are binding, and are heavily corroded.. And well it's a big job love.."

At this point, he may aswel have said the entire sentance in Russian.. I give him a gormless vacant look and mumble "how much?"

Him.. "talking bout 380 love... And sooner rather than later really if your taking kids in the car" *waggles dirty finger under Ellies nose*

me.... *falls to floor... Lies still a minute...*..."three... Hundred... And eighty pounds???"

Him.. *fake sad face*..."yeah love... Soz"

Me.."right erm yeah erm.. I'll have to go sell a kidney.. I'll get back to you"

*flees garage clutching chest*

I arrived home and decided to ring the nice lad at Seaman and Davidson .. Who had done my MOT a few months ago.... He told me to take it to him today.

I arrived at 9am and he took my car, he said give us an hour , I'll have a look how bad it is ..

An hour later I returned.. Feeling a bit sick... Maybe with worry.. Or maybe because of the sausage and egg Mc muffin I'd accidently eaten whilst waiting ...


Him..*no sharp intake of breath*
"well .. It was sticking a bit.. So was a bit rusty .. I've taken it off cleaned it up.. Greased it, put it back on.. Loads of life left in it... Just give us a tenner love"

Me.. *pounces on man.. Licks his face...*

Sooo.. Be warned... Do not EVER use National Tyres.

I'm going back down there this aft to call him a wanker and punch him in the cock.

The end.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

A fucking minibus!!!

I watched BBC news last night ... (this doesn't happen often) it disgusted me enough to write about it though...

An estate in Bradford now has a mini bus to drive round to individual houses in a morning to pick the kids up for school....
Simply because the lazy ... Non working... Dressing gown wearing... Boggle eyed, fucktarded parents cannot be arsed to do the School run ....

What the actual fuck? ...

How about fining them?...
Or taking away their 87 inch plasmas so they can't watch Jezza?...
Or take a tenner off their dole for every day little McKenzie misses at school because his fat arsed mother was still in bed...
Or worse still take away their weed and staffy dog ...

All these would force the lazy twats outside..

It showed the children being picked up from various shit ridden houses... All the doors answered by overweight, grubby dressing gown, fag smoking trolls...

An actual quote from one of the pyjama clad yodas ...

"I as 5 kids init... It's propa ard getting em all up an stuff.. Vey as bout free days a week off skool"

I'll tell you what sweetcheeks.... Try GETTING UP A BIT FUCKING EARLIER!!..

these scummy inbreds should be punished... Not fucking rewarded with a free bus service, so that they don't even have to get dressed!!

This is EXACTLY what is wrong with this country..

If you can't do the basic duties as a parent...

Stop popping bloody kids out...