Monday, 3 October 2011



I have 4 children .... yes 4 ... and yes we had a TV ... i'm just a bit easy before you make the joke.

School wind the absolute tits off me ... 

From snooty faced PTA members who have nothing better to do in their life apart from knit yogurt and promote organic lunches .... to the we need £3 for this ... £2 for that... school dinners have gone up ... infact why don't you just direct your entire wage to us ... make is simpler... 

Then there are the kids themselves ... most of them with names only the unemployed can spell.... and the horrendous gaggle of school run mums .... normally in two groups .... the fake Ugg boots and back tits group .... and the stillettos and far too much makeup for the school run group...

I stand in neither ... I'd rather spend 20 minutes with Jedward than make a conversation about educational after school activities..... and which dancing school little Chyna Mercedes is going to this weekend.

Anyway, now you understand how much this place pisses me off .... here is a letter i wrote and sent to school after finding out one of my twins had beeen excluded from PE.

Dear sir/madam
On learning that Megan has been excluded from PE since xmas, I was shocked and upset and wondered if she had developed some rare PE related asthma that I wasn't aware of ..

 Or maybe developed a life threatening allergy to bean bags and skipping ropes, that I would immediately have to run out and buy an epi-pen for.. 
As you can imagine I was extremely shocked to find this was not the case and it was much worse than I had expected......
She has the wrong coloured tshirt!! ......
I would like to apologise sincerely for this and can fully understand how doing PE in a blue tshirt, instead of a green one, will have greatly hindered Megans ability to swing on the monkey bars. 


I shall not be purchasing Megan another one, due to the fact your school likes to suck every penny out of parents and only sells the tshirt as part of a whole PE kit at a cost of £17.. 

Please do not inform me Megan does not have correct shorts or I may combust.
I have tried to send her with a better tshirt today that is more fitting with school policy, unfortunately the only one i could find is a Hello Kitty one with a bit of jam on the sleeve...

sorry about this.

Regards Rachel Keys


It seems fitting that the first rant I post is about one of the places that pisses me off to the point of self harming.


I'm not sure if this place is the same nationwide .... But here in Halifax it is like a cross between a massive shit Lidl and the Job Centre ... 

On Fridays (giro day)... it is filled with groups of muffin topped, flip flop wearing women who look like they have brushed their hair with a tofffee apple.... They are fighting over knocked down chips and there is always a faint whiff of piss and lard in the air.

Anyway yesterday I decided to call in to my local friendly store and purchase some petrol and cigarettes .... this didn't go to plan ... 

I have written this email to Morrisons to voice my disgust.

Dear who ever it may concern.

I have shopped at your Halifax branch of Morrisons for over 20 years.
Other than large swarms of the great unwashed on giro day, I've never really had a problem with it.

Until now.

Recently several staff were apparently sacked for not ID'ing underage smokers. Good I say, yes sack them.
This however, seems to have turned the rest of the staff in to raging maniacs.

So yes I am aware people need to be asked for ID if they look under 25, but also basic common sense surely needs to be applied somewhere... Doesn't it?

For example...
I am 34 years old.
I pull up at the petrol station, I put £60 of petrol in my car .. I then enter the kiosk carrying a screeching child under 1 arm.
I pick up bread, milk a womans own and head to the till.
I am wearing yesterdays makeup, I have hair mildly resembling Kenn Dodd on a windy day and i'm wearing a jumper with crayon on one arm and a bit of child snot on the other.

I say "number 4 please, this milk and 20 Lambert and Butler"

Sandra behind the glass ..(I am now fully aware as to why they keep her behind glass) ... Says gruffly.."ID" ..

Me wondering if i'd heard her right, was she coughing? Did she say i need a pee? ... Nope .. Her face is as straight as the bottom of my IKEA frying pan.

"ID"... She barks again.

Now personally i think Sandra needs the love of a good man.. Or maybe a shot of gin... Perhaps she'd had a bad day.. I'm not sure.

Me, fairly shocked at a demand for ID that i didnt have to show EIGHTEEN years ago says .."erm sorry but i'm 34!"

At some point you'd think sandras common sense would have kicked in... Do 17 year olds have tits like socks on a washing line?... A toddler? A car? Read womans own? ( only for the recipes honest) .. Have bags under their eyes the same size as Sandra's?

No they don't.

Sandra barked that she ID'd EVERYONE..
Really Sandra? Everyone? Even Mavis who comes in with a zimmer and cataracts?... No i don't think you do, do you?

At this point I left, only paying for my petrol (I'm not a chav)

My point here is, Morrisons is now losing my £6.50 a day ... I may also boycot bread and milk yet, I haven't decided.
But let me tell you thats alot of money a month.

A small training course on common sense might help Sandras attitude.
Do you do common sense when demanding ID courses?

If not, then you should.

To be honest though I probably wouldnt involve Sandra.

She could be deployed to the fish counter. She'd fit in well there.

Rachel Keys.

I searched for Morrisons customer services Email address .... of course they don't have one ... 

so using the power of Google and Twitter, I have sent it straight to the top.. 

I shall post the reply .... If i get one..... 

I'm not holding my breath.


Hi, I'm Twinks ... ..

Obviously that isn't the name my mum gave me ... as she isn't a 17 year old council estate chav... but Twinks will do for now.

I'm here to post my rants and daily pissed off with the general publicness ... and also to post anything else I cant fit in to 140 characters on Twitter.

I have often been told i should write my rants down ... I probably have anger management issues, I dunno ... but I've found as I've got older that most things in life piss me off ... mainly involving people.
I don't really like people ... on the whole I find  they are a bunch of cock wombles ...

Read if you want ... or don't bother ... i shan't sob in to my pillow over it. 

all negative comments will be read and filed under 'I don't really give a toss'

happy reading 

love Twinks x