Monday, 4 March 2013

World bastard book day.

So.. It's here again, the day every parent with more than one child and a full time job dreads .. World fucking book day.

School usually inform you of this day a good 48hrs in advance, via a letter sent with a 6yr old. This letter sits in their bag, wedged between a dead slug and a banana from last Tuesday, until they finally remember and hand it you at 10pm THE DAY BEFORE.

The letter is always jolly and upbeat.. Reminding you in a patronising way how 'exciting' it is.. And 'have fun being creative'
Since when has being creative been any fucking fun?
And of course don't forget the 'prize' for best costume.
To a 7yr old it's all about the prize .. Even though you're fully aware it will be a half melted Easter egg that Mr Smith found wedged at the back of the stationary cupboard.
Your kid won't win the prize though.. It'll be the kid that wins it every year.. You know.. The smug faced one in his hand sewn Willy Wonka outfit, complete with top hat and an entire troop of Oompa fucking Loompas, that his Mum stayed up till 3am sewing ... (She got the pattern from Netmums) .. And judging by the neat sewing, she wasn't even pissed.

I'm not 'that' mum.. I'm the mum who just crawled in from work after a 9 hour shift and instead of sewing is drinking gin and eating the kid's Monster Munch whilst contemplating if The Halloween costumes that she shoved in the loft will pass as 'creative'

I'm going to give this a bit more thought before Thursday.. But still, I imagine it will go a lot like this.

How to make the perfect World book day outfit.

1, think of a character

2, change your mind when it involves sewing

3, open gin

4, explain to child why making a spongebob outfit is a FUCKING STUPID IDEA

5, top gin up

6, Google book characters

7, refresh Twitter

8 play 2 levels of candy crush

9 top gin up

10 Hack wildly at a piece of material with scissors

11 realise it now doesn't fit your child

12, sleep in due to too much gin

13, hurridly tie a saucepan to childs head. Boom . Faraway tree character

14, thrust kit kat in child's hand.

15, Leave house

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